Several days ago, I was busy writing about ways to resolve conflict when an email landed in my inbox that made my stomach churn and my heart race.
It didn’t say much outright, but the message between the lines was clear: a colleague was upset with me over something I did—or rather, didn’t do.
I had not delivered important feedback that I should have shared immediately and directly, and she found out months later that I had these concerns I had never voiced. Now, my colleague wanted to talk because it was about to impact our working relationship (she didn’t say that exactly, but I could tell—and I was right).
Ugh! Conflict! And she was right—it was my fault. Double Ugh!
My Initial Emotional Response
My initial reaction? A bit of guilt, slight panic, and clearly some emotional upheaval. My stomach and heart were doing flip-flops.
In past years, I might have tried to deflect (make it seem like something different had happened), made an excuse to defend my actions, or even ignored it and hoped it would go away (it never does!).
However, as Maya Angelou once said, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”
I DID know better.
And I knew I had to do better.
Self-Reflection
First step – I slowed down, reflected on what had happened, had a little talk with myself, and prepped for our discussion:
- I scheduled a conversation for the earliest possible time—just three days away.
- Grabbing a sheet of paper, I reflected:
- What had concerned me about the original situation? What had my expectations been? How were they met/not met?
- How would I have felt, in her situation, if the tables were turned?
- Why did I avoid giving her feedback in the first place?
- What questions will she ask me, and how would I answer them honestly?
- What do I want to happen moving forward?
- How will I commit to doing things differently?
In the past, I might have skipped the self-reflection. I would likely have walked into the meeting unprepared.
Over time, however, I have realized that gold can be found in the self-reflection.
I often tell my clients: Deliver feedback immediately! Yet, sometimes, it isn’t always easy to follow my own advice.
Resolve Conflict with Positive Action
When we finally got on the call, I started with a genuine apology (emphasis on the word “genuine.”) I never intended to hurt her feelings or create conflict between us. So, I shared what I had been thinking at the time without excuses and apologized sincerely for my inaction.
I found that the SBI feedback model (Situation, Behavior, Impact) was helpful as a framework to think through and explain the situation, her behavior that had caused frustration, and its impact on me. Then, we worked through it together (keyword: together).
She wasn’t aware of the impact of the situation on me, and I realized there were more proactive actions I could have originally taken. We explored options for moving forward, both of us owning our reactions and committing to proactive steps to avoid similar situations in the future.
The result? Our conflict was resolved, and our relationship remained intact.
My Key Takeaways
In the past, I might have damaged a relationship because of my own actions and inactions.
But I know the power of self-reflection and honesty—both with myself and others.
Conflict can be mitigated and often resolved when both parties are willing to examine their own role in the conflict, approach the situation with positive intent, and take the steps needed to address it.
It all starts with bringing a positive intent and knowing the right skills. If I hadn’t deepened my understanding of conflict, its triggers, and the emotions involved, this story might have ended very differently.
I’m still learning. How about you?
What have you learned that has helped you navigate conflict in work relationships?
You are so geniune and dignified in how you comport yourself as a coach and teacher. A step above the pablum and bromides across the internet and social media.
Staying above the fray!
this was a really great post Linda. you don’t have to respond, just wanted to let you know that i do read your posts.
Thank you Karen!
What a lovely write-up of a situation that’s all too common! I’m a mediator, so yes, I also know better – yet sometimes ignore things that bother me because I don’t like conflict that is personal (there’s a reason you always want a NEUTRAL outside mediator). It looks to me like you handled it beautifully, once yo urealized you needed to handle it – and that’s the most that most of us can do.
Thanks Gina. I try not to avoid the conflict like I used to. And I think my relationships are stronger now.
Your post certainly gave me pause for thought with respect to a situation that-up to this point and 10 months after the fact-has been the end of two relationships for me. Perhaps the topic for another post? What to do when you consider the other person or persons at fault, would have appreciated them reaching out with at least an acknowledgement that things went off the rails uncessarily and that things could have been handled differently. But that never happened.
Sometimes, I find it important to avoid blaming either side and just reach out to explore how to work past a situation and focus on future, regardless of who is “at fault”. Maybe you can explore both perspectives and come out with stronger relationships at the end.
Love this! I needed to read this today!
Happy it was helpful MerriLyn!